On October 20, 2015, I was diagnosed with Stage 3 breast cancer. There is no breast cancer in my family. I am not genetically predisposed to breast cancer. I hadn't done anything "wrong" to cause my condition.
On May 4, 2016, I had a mastectomy to remove a 6.2 cm cancerous tumor from my left breast. Seventeen lymph nodes were also surgically removed from my left armpit. Two of them were positive for cancer.
Pathology on the tumor and lymph nodes that were removed revealed that the six long months of neoadjuvant (before surgery) chemotherapy I endured did nothing to kill my cancer.
Ahead of me I have weeks of physical therapy to restore range of motion and lymph movement in my left arm. I have 3 more painful sessions of filling a plastic tissue expander under my left pectoral muscle to temporarily re-form my breast while I undergo six weeks of daily radiation treatments. This tissue expander will cause me daily pain and discomfort until I undergo final breast reconstruction sometime next year. It will probably make running intensely uncomfortable, and the missing lymph nodes in my left arm will make it impossible for me to go back to my previous fitness habits. More than a year after my initial diagnosis, I will eventually undergo yet another surgery with a long recovery time to restore natural tissue to my breast.
Meanwhile I will start five years of endocrine therapy that will throw me into menopause and cause painful, stiff joints and possible bone loss. I will also take a year's worth of endocrine superchargers that may cause side effects such as joint pain, nausea, and fatigue.
I accept and even welcome all of this because it means I get to live out a longer life with the people I love. And I try to stay positive about it even though it will mean a pretty drastic change in my lifestyle for awhile.
But, hey, it's ok. At least I got a free boob job out of it, right?
While the Breast Cancer Awareness campaign that has been waged since the early 1990s has made great steps in making breast cancer less taboo to discuss, it hasn't really done much to really inform and educate about what breast cancer really does to the lives it touches. Instead, out of the pink ribbon campaign there seems to have been born some kind of misperception that breast cancer "isn't so bad" because, hey, "at least you get a new, better set of boobs out of it".
There are so many things wrong with this statement I don't even know where to begin.
Most of the many people that have said this to me are coming at it from a good place. They're being funny or ironic or just awkward. So I don't hold it against anyone. I take well-intentioned love in any form.
I have to admit, though, that each of these statements stab straight into my heart and stay with me. It makes me feel like all the mental and physical pain and suffering I've been battling through is being discounted and compared to a superficial, elective procedure that some women do for fun.
I never really know what to say, either. I usually end up just mumbling, "It's not quite that simple."
The accounts of stars battling breast cancer or undergoing prophylactic procedures because they have the BRCA1 and BRCA 2 gene mutations don't really help either. After all, Angelina looks great, right? She bounced right back!
And don't get me wrong - there are many breast cancer survivors that are happy with their implants. They serve the important function of letting these women maintain their self-esteem and self-image and allow they to go on living a outwardly normal life.
Here's the catch: They're not yours. They're forced on you. You lose all sensation. They are a constant reminder of what you've gone through.
For me personally, I liked my boobs. I would never thought of making them "better". They were exactly how I liked them. And, even more, I would never have thought of only have ONE be made "better". How stupid is that? No one would ever do that.
Additionally, I have never wanted to have non-natural pouches of saline or silicone stuffed into my body. After enduring chemotherapy in which toxins of all kinds were dripped continuously into me for six months, the last thing I want now is for more non-natural substances inside me. On top of that, I really don't like having no feeling in most of the left side of my chest.
In fact, all I really want is my old body back.
This cancer fight has been the hardest thing I've ever done. Both mentally and physically I have been ripped apart. But I'm hanging in there. I'll make it through. I will live to tell the tale. And I will be stronger because of it.
I will feel better when I feel like my life is coming back under my own control.
I will feel better when I know for sure that there is no more cancer in my body.
I will feel better when people start seeing me for me again, instead of seeing a sick person.
But I will not feel better because I have "new boobs".
For some reason, the diagnosis of breast cancer now comes with the assumption that treatment includes a double mastectomy and implants. More and more women are, in fact, undergoing double mastectomies even for diagnosis in one breast. But this is not the only option.
There are other options besides implants, but unless you do significant research you probably won't hear about them. In fact, the first plastic surgeon I went to didn't tell me about any options other than the one he thought I should have. If I had listened to him, I WOULD have ended up with a double mastectomy and implants.
Luckily, I was told about an option that uses my own body tissue to replace my missing breast tissue. A "TUG" flap takes tissue from my inner thighs in order to rebuild my breast. Ultimately, I will have a natural looking breast with no implant. It will match, for the most part, my existing breast.
The pink ribbon campaign doesn't share any of this. And while it does raise awareness for breast cancer and breast cancer patients, it minimizes the reality of the struggle of the disease.
I think the real problem with this campaign is that although the goal was to de-sexualize breasts so that awareness and detection would increase, it has replaced one problem with another.
Now we "save the ta-tas" or "save second base".
And while it's important that women who deal with breast cancer are able to maintain a positive self-image and be provided with opportunities to look as normal as they like after treatment, what they end up with should not be the "prize" for making it through.
So, again, I welcome any love that is sent my way. Thank you for trying to cheer me up. But maybe instead try - "Hey, at least you get to try out some new hairdos!" :)
