A Toast

My stomach churns as I think about heading into Round 3 of chemo.

This round wasn't horrible. At least that's what I tell myself. 

I mentioned this to Husband today and and he said, "Really? You spent 6 days straight on the couch."

Hmmm.  I stand corrected.

But nothing was really horrible. An extended course of Claritin headed off the horrible headaches that caused me the most problems during Round 1. Otherwise, I managed to escape with slight nausea and a slight headache for most of the first week. 

My eating wasn't quite as affected by this round as it was by the last. I was able to break away from my "white food" diet a couple times. This round I was lucky enough, though, to experience a huge change in my tastebuds (I could eat things, but they didn't taste very good) and a lovely metallic taste in my mouth for the first week. Thank god for the friends who sent me lemon and peppermint candies to counteract the taste.

The second week has been ok, too. I've been run/walking 3-4 miles most days, and generally feel pretty good. I usually have to eat a couple small meals throughout the day to keep my stomach settled. Afternoons usually find me with a headache and a little more fatigue, but at least I haven't been passing out on the couch at 7pm like I did in Round 1.

So, overall, not horrible. But not great either.

Round 2 has, however, brought about the end of my hair. It was coming out in clumps, making a mess, and causing me great distress, so last Saturday I decided to take control and shave it off. Thanks to the support of BFF and Husband,  I got through it with no tears.

I will admit that, although there were no tears at the actual shaving, the process of losing my hair is the hardest thing I've gone through so far. As a woman, a lot of my identity and self-image has been built around what I look like with hair.

I am not fond of myself with no hair. I do not enjoy the shape of my head. I will never "like" the way I look with no hair. Right now, I don't even have a nice cleanly shaven head. It's patchy and falling out at different rates depending on where it is on my head. It makes me look sick. And it makes it impossible for to fool myself into thinking that everything is fine.

However, after a week of being depressed and feeling sorry for myself (and a super pep talk by Husband), I have decided that I will get through it. 

I have had to do many things I haven't liked in my life. To date, I have gotten through them with grace, success, and courage. This is just another thing. I don't have to like it. I just have to get through it. And, in the process, I will own it. 

I will wear many wonderful hats.

And I will break out the purple wig for special occasions.

Perhaps I will have a cocktail. I'm thinking hot chocolate with a little Bailey's Irish Cream?

I think you should have one, too. 

A toast to my hair.....and while I'm at it....a toast to all the wonderful people who are taking care of me. Thank you for keeping my spirits high and thinking of all the things I haven't. Cheers!